December 30, 2023
Welcome to the Weekly 3 newsletter. Each week I’ll share three insights, tools, stories, or resources to help inspire and motivate you to keep going after what you want.
This week’s topics:
1. The cost of inaction with life assessment journal prompts;
2. Perfectionism; and
3. Pretending You Don’t Know Is Protecting You
– 1 – The Cost of Inaction
If you’ve been struggling to take steps you know will improve your quality of life, try shifting your focus from the benefits of taking action to the costs of not taking action.
We forget when we postpone decisions we are still making a choice.
When we don’t address and manage our doubts, fears and insecurities, we’re making a choice.
When we keep focusing our attention and effort on why something won’t work, why we can’t achieve what we want, on all the perceived obstacles, we’re making a choice.
When we let minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years go by wishing for something different but not committing to doing what it takes to make it a reality, we’re making a choice.
Stagnation feels painful, but it’s a choice. It’s not happening to us, we are choosing it.
I think the most painful part of stagnation is the feeling of overwhelming powerlessness stemming from an underlying belief that what we want is not possible for us.
If this resonates with you, I see you.
I feel you.
I was you.
For me, the turning point came when the thought of staying the same was intolerable.
Said differently, I began to fight for my own transformation when I decided I could not bear the thought of living the rest of my life wondering how different it might be if I had just been brave enough to keep looking for ways to help myself.
That truly is the first step – deciding to not give up on yourself.
Let’s be honest. Our brains will still offer all the thoughts. They will want to second-guess. They will trigger all sorts of emotions and sensations in our bodies that will make the fears, worries, and anxieties feel true.
In other words, our brains will be doing exactly what human brains are designed to do.
When we know this, we can leverage this awareness to gain authority over our thoughts rather than blindly believing them or letting them influence how we ultimately live our lives.
If this resonates with you, you are not alone. It speaks to the universal personal growth question: “Why can’t I get myself to do what I want/need to do?”
If you’ve asked yourself this question and are no further along, then it’s time to ask yourself different questions. Here are a few prompts to help you get started. You’ll notice they’re similar but nuanced. Sometimes hearing things in a slightly different way can make all the difference.
1. What is not taking action costing you?
2. What is arguing for your limitations costing you?
3. What is staying the same costing you?
If your brain freezes, start by completing this sentence:
- “Not taking action is costing me _______________.”
(Eg., happiness, self-belief, opportunities, my relationships, experiences, hope, time, inner peace, mental health, emotional well-being, physical health, spiritual peace, etc.) - “Arguing for my limitations is costing me ______________”
- “Staying the same is costing me ______________________”
When you can see what inaction is costing you, remind yourself only you can change your life. The best news is that you get to decide what you do next. Choose your hard.
“Everything is hard in some way. It’s hard to be in the wrong relationship. It’s hard to be in the right one. It’s hard to be broke and miserable, it’s hard to achieve your dreams. It’s hard to be stuck in the middle, not really feeling anything at all. Everything is hard, but you choose your hard. You choose what’s worth it. You don’t choose whether or not you’ll suffer, but you do choose what you want to suffer for.” ― Brianna Wiest, 101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think
– 2 – Perfectionism
“Perfectionists are not people who do everything perfectly. Perfectionists are people who think that they should do things perfectly.” – Kara Loewentheil (Host of the Unf*ck Your Brain Podcast)
For perfectionists, the word “should” creates so much suffering.
Some questions to consider:
1. What does perfect look like to you in a given scenario? Getting very specific helps your brain know where you’ve set the goalposts.
2. Does perfection allow for mistakes, growth, and resilience, or does it perpetuate a fear of making mistakes?
3. What do you think will happen if you don’t do something perfectly (as defined by you)? Can you see that it almost always boils down to you having a thought about you?
4. Is your answer to 3 above true? Is your answer to 3 above survivable?
5. If you attribute your success up to this point to perfectionist tendencies, consider if that’s how you want to fuel your future success. Can you imagine a healthier, kinder, more sustainable way to live your life? What might that look like? What would you need to start doing? What would you need to stop doing? What beliefs would you need to let go? What would you need to start believing about yourself?
With perfectionism, there’s an underlying belief that there’s a right way of doing things and a right way of being. It often takes burnout or a rock bottom for us to question this.
What if your growth was to embrace your humanness (i.e., that you’re going to make mistakes, fail, occasionally let people down, get it wrong sometimes, not be the best sometimes, etc.)?
What thoughts would you need to work through and process to allow yourself to do this?
How would that create safety, self-trust and peace for you?
“Perfectionism is armor. Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence and it’s not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move. It’s the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.” – Brené Brown
“Healthy striving is self-focused: How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused: What will they think?”
Recommended resources:
Article | “Perfectionism is Armor” by Brené Brown on LinkedIn
Book | The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown
Podcast | The Tim Ferriss Show with Brené Brown on Striving vs. Self-Acceptance
– 3 – Pretending You Don’t Know Is a Self-Protective Mechanism
Journal prompt: What’s one area of your life you keep pretending you don’t know how to change?
Follow-up question: How is keeping up the pretense of not knowing protecting you? (i.e., what is it protecting you from?)
Follow-up question: What is continuing to pretend you don’t know costing you?
Follow-up question: Are you okay with that?
Maybe the answer to your final question is yes.
But maybe you’re not okay with continuing the pretense.
Maybe you’re tired of pretending to not know how to change.
Maybe you’re ready to stop holding yourself back.
Maybe you want to see what’s on the other side of resistance and fear.
I’ve been there.
Everything will start to change when you decide you’re done pretending.
This is a new year.
You have one life.
How do you want to live it?
How do you want to show up?
Think about it. Decide to decide.
And then, let’s get to work.
Have a fantastic New Year’s.
Kari
—–
Kari Watterson Coaching
Life – Mindset – Habits
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